Til Desk Do Us Part

Dear Brad,

Your diet concerns me. So does the fact that you’re not on a diet.

According to you, I’m not allowed to talk about food since I prefer my burritos to be flavorful rather than filling. But as a “friend” I want to reach out about your eating habits because a) I’m tired of you leaving globs of mayonnaise all over our desk and b) I really, really never want to have to give you CPR. I’d rather go mouth-to-snout than mouth-to-mouth with you.

Your food choices are atrocious. You think that just because you didn’t eat red meat for the first 25 years of your life that you have some sort of immunity to bad health. Let me tell you, even though I’m a vegetarian, I’d much rather watch you eat a steak than the American cheese-wrapped-Twinkie that you then dip in condensed milk. You claim it’s what makes LL Cool B (Ladies Love Cool Brad) but it’s just gross.

It’s almost as if you’ve never heard about the food pyramid or that you have no idea what it means to have a balanced diet. At your age you should know that deep fried butter is not a normal office snack – unless you’re a foodie, and you’re not, you’re just a fatty.

I don’t want to get all preachy on you, but you should read a Michael Pollan book or two – your colon’s begging you for it. At the same time, I know you can’t read, so I want to teach you how to make a few basic dishes that aren’t boiled in shortening or breaded with salt. It is my goal to show you that cooking at home isn’t as big of an endeavor as you make it out to be. Then again, at your size, everything’s an endeavor.

Stay tuned for a menu.

To your health,

Grace