Til Desk Do Us Part

Hi Grace,

Friends are a good thing, I’m not going to debate that. How you have gone about trying to make them is a bit suspect at times. Do you not see this?

I feel guilty when you pay me to hang out with you. It’s fiscally irresponsible (which my people are not known for) for me not to take the money if you’re willing to dole it out, but it feels wrong now, almost like I’m taking advantage of you. You told me once that you hoped that your 401k would have enough money in it when it’s available to you to make up for all of the bribe money you have handed out in your life.

There was also that time that you signed up for a kickball league. I’ll be real, I thought this was going to make the Grace brand go viral. Then you told me about that fateful first meeting with your team. You brashly sauntered up to your group and swiftly kicked one of your male teammates in the testicles. Then you added, “You ain’t seen nothing yet, let’s kick some bouncy balls now!”

After sports was a bit of a bust, it was on to volunteering to build your following. You went with one of your passions, walking dogs. Seemed like a great way for you to do something you love and meet their owners in the process. Then came that day you walked into work, especially dejected. Shoulders slumped and a single tear rolling down your face, you uttered, “I got fired.” My response, “What did you do?” Your reply, “Apparently open mouth kissing of dogs is forbidden. How was I to know that?” Silence.

I however remember when you hit rock bottom. It was a Tuesday in June when you went to Olive Garden wheeling in empty vats. You purchased your all you can eat combo and quickly filled those vats with the unlimited soup, breadsticks, pasta and salad. Then you came back to the office and hosted your own Grace-a-palooza in the conference room claiming the Italian delights came from Eataly. You felt like this ploy would put you in the good graces of your fellow colleagues, but instead, an unnamed “foodie,” called your bluff and newly found work friends fled the scene vowing never to talk to you ever again.

You don’t need to make efforts to gain new friends because you already have so many Grace. hahaha. Sorry, I couldn’t help but laughing after such a blatant lie.

Your “friend”…kinda,
Brad