Til Desk Do Us Part

Dear Brad,

As far as I’m concerned, we’re having a winter heat wave right now. I consider anything above 70 degrees to be insufferably hot. Despite my personal misery and the fact that Earth is clearly falling apart, there’s an upside to the sun-filled sky and heat-filled air/subway/everything: you’re much less likely to commit murder.

Don’t think I don’t know your hidden secret – once the temperature drops your urge to kill rises. Whereas many people suffer from SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, and spend the long winter months moping around, hibernating in hideous pajamas and being Debbie Downer at work (more than usual), you suffer from SKA, or Serial Killer Affliction.

Once December rolls around, your usual jubilant self starts to recede and a sinister side begins to bubble up to the surface. People start complaining about the frigid air and you start getting excited about getting to wear black murder gloves and your water blood-repellent jackets. As everyone else trudges around in their heavy socks and boots you become light and nimble, a skill that bodes well when you’re stalking a victim through an empty park.

How many people have you killed during this mild winter, Bradley? Have you actually suffered from SAD because it hasn’t been cold enough to kill? Or did you take advantage of the few times the temperature fell below 30 and get your murder on? Usually, I can tell you’ve had a fresh kill when we’re standing in the elevator line, shivering, and you’re declaring it to be T-Shirt time because nothing warms you up quite like watching someone’s life drain out of them.

For the sake of our eyes (your T-Shirts are usually pretty stained and tattered) and some lives (half-dozen? four score?), I hope this early Spring lasts. The last thing we need is for the media to catch on to your serial killer tendencies and sensationalize it with a terrible nickname like Murderous Man-Child.

Please don’t kill me (or do, I’ve made peace with my life).

Grace

P.S. Do you kill your victims by looking at them with your ugly face? Oooooh! Did I just say that?!