Til Desk Do Us Part

Dear Grace,

As the Spring is here (halleluyah) and the Summer is approaching at a torrent pace there are many things that I’m looking forward to enjoying.

In no particular order, Sundresses (both to wear myself and to enjoy others wearing), sweating profusely and dousing myself in random watering holes, drinking on rooftops with zinc oxide on (my mom is proud) and any activity that includes a mediocre guitar player jamming out to DMB’s iconic tune “Crash.”

The thing that I am however MOST looking forward to is your face entering the office after a stifling hot subway ride. Seeing the disdain and inner hatred you have for our perfectly functioning environment when it’s 100 degrees with 110% humidity is a delightful sight.

I recall vividly how you punted a poor dachshund ala Baxter in Anchorman last Summer just because you had the lightest moisture above your unibrow.

I find it a bit curious how you will gladly search out a public location to take a dump in front of countless people, but when it comes to sweating, unacceptable. Yes, I’m referring to that time when you broke up a Central Park softball game kneeled down and promptly “marked your territory” on home plate. Your claim that “He did it first,” while pointing aggressively at the Golden Retriever that was bounding away, doesn’t work. It never does. Stop trying to convince yourself that it does.

Ok, I will give it to you, New York humans the city overall doesn’t smell that great in the Summer when backsweat and swamp ass are aplenty. That coupled with New York City smelling like a mixture of used diapers, “Sex Panther” and Andre the Giant, doesn’t always make it the most ideal ecosystem. That being said, heat is lovely, sweating is normal, so Get over it Grace, just get over it!

I look forward to a strong 5 months of unbearable heat and countless rank jockstraps!

Good luck and godspeed,
Brad