Til Desk Do Us Part

Dear Bradley,

I can’t help but notice you’ve spruced yourself up quite a bit lately. Not only does it appear you’ve finally lost the last of your baby fat, but you’ve also really expanded your wardrobe beyond what your mom sends in your Balance bar care packages. Although I’m already able to predict which of your new shirts you’re going to wear on what day, I’m proud of you for taking the plunge into a more fashionable world.

I’m a little jealous that I don’t have anyone in my life to dress me up like a doll. Though that’s probably a good thing – knowing my luck my significant other stylist would probably present me with a non-refundable Chun-Li outfit. Yatta!

Anyway, beyond the clothing, can I just say I’m so glad you also decided to do something about your hair? I never wanted to say anything but your decision to keep your hair exactly like Mark Zuckerberg made you look like a nerd, but a much poorer one. Kudos to you for defying your doppelgänger and going for the Vanilla Ice circa 1990 look – them shaved lines look so fine. You are the epitome of hardcore preppy, and you should be commended for that.

Speaking of preppy – you now own your first pair of boat shoes which is quite a feat considering you never embraced short socks for fear of exposing your pale, red-haired ankles. Watching you walk around with shoes that don’t allow you to wear dad socks is pretty funny. Your gait has changed as you’ve become hyperaware that each step you take is causing a thin layer of sweat to build between your bunions and an unforgiving leather sole that absorbs nothing but bad odors. Your face reveals a mixture of a man who is confident he looks damn good and a man who is seriously concerned that everyone around him can smell his feet combined with a man-child who thinks the solution is to use a ton of Axe body spray.

Hearts and slugs,

Grace