Til Desk Do Us Part

Dear Grace,

I know you’re hitting that time in life when you become a woman. As you’ve clarified to me many times, “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman.” Well now it’s time to own up, man woman up! You’re going to be over the hill which means you must take on the responsibilities that come with being a woman. None of which I am really aware of. I could hypothesize the following though.

I would say that taking a shot of tequila everytime you finish a simple task isn’t appropriate anymore. Also would venture a guess that snot rockets are frowned upon. Probably also want to abstain from mooning people and saying, “It’s a full moon out tonight ladies and gentlemen.” In other words, stop doing everything that you find great joy in doing. Most people would say that what you were doing as a late late twenty-ite wasn’t allowed, but because you were in your twenties, they let it slide. Now when you hit the BIG 3-0, you are forced to become a woman. I believe in you…kind of…probably not…good luck.

So as you continue to become less and less fertile, I wish you all the best in this upcoming birthday of yours. But when exactly will I be able to celebrate and belt out, “Feliz Cumpleanos” to you? Very few people know this date. Mama Grace, even though on a daily basis tries to strike the date from her mind. A college friend or two whom you drugged and tattooed your initials and birth date on. And that clown you emptied your savings account for with the promise that he would come and wish you a happy birthday every year from 18 on. He technically came once (that’s what she said), but that was only because you went to another kids birthday party (not creepy at all) to demand he wished you a happy birthday.

So if there is anyone who knows the date of Grace’s birthday, I beg of you to share it with me. Preferably on my Pinterest account. Think of me as the anti-Grace – lover of birthdays and social media. Help me celebrate her. Actually just help me make her uncomfortable. I know that got someones attention. In retribution for sharing, I promise you a Balance bar that I will get from my mother in a Care package soon.

Help me make Grace uncomfortable,
Brad